Welcome to Baltimore

First you must learn to pronounce the city name.... It is Bawl-mer or Ball-tee-more, depending on if you live north or south of Rt. 40.

Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If it is a Howard County map and is a day old it is already obsolete.

On Monday you don't wash your clothes, you warsh them. Before you eat a meal you don't wash your hands, you warsh them in wooder.

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere, Baltimore has its own version of traffic rules...."Hold on & pray." There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Baltimore ... we all drive like that.

All directions start with... "The Beltway...."....which has no beginning and no end. The morning rush hour is from 6am to 11am, the evening rush hour is from 1pm to 7pm... Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to 5 when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing into all 5 drivers running the red light in cross-traffic. However, if you don't go as soon as it turns green, you get the finger, a blowing horn, or both.

Construction on I-97 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. Interesting that it's called an "interstate," it runs only from the Beltway to Annapolis. Opening in 1992, it has been torn up and under re-construction ever since. (Does former Gov. Glendenning have any relatives who build highways?)

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase "Oh, we're in GLIMBURNIE!"

If someone actually has their turn signal on it is probably a factory defect. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. All old ladies with blue hair and Buicks have the right of way. PERIOD

All roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. A trip across town (north to south) will take a minimum of four hours, although the tunnel does have, on occasion, more than one lane open. But never on holiday weekends.

The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85mph, anything less is considered downright sissy. The Beltway is our daily version of NASCAR.

If the humidity is 98+ and the temperature is 98+ it's May/June/July/August/September. If it is 10 degrees, it is Orioles Opening Day. If it is 110 degrees, it is opening day at Ravens Stadium.

If you go to a football game, pay the $75.00 to park in the "Ravens Lot." Parking elsewhere could cost up to $7500.00 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc.

If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard during Preakness ... run over him! It's probably not his yard anyway.